PARENTING: GOOD INTENTIONS, BAD RESULTS

The evidence is in. Many, many well-read and/or well-educated parents have learned from a broad spectrum of sources that children need to receive praise. It is a recurring theme in articles in magazines (primarily women's and family magazines); the Sunday newspaper supplement; local and national newspaper columns; electronic media news and feature programs; and often seminars sponsored by schools and helping agencies of several varieties. Sadly the nature of the topic relegates it to “sound bite” status. Readers learn that they ought to do it but they never learn how it is properly done.

A quick fictional example will underscore the point. Consider for a moment 9 year-old Billie who hears Mom and Dad speaking sadly about the next door neighbor, the elderly Mrs. Downe, a widow whose single tree at the front of the her home has dropped its leaves all over her table-top sized lawn. Later Billie rummages through the garage, finds a leaf rake and proceeds to rake the leaves into a pile at the curb. Still later Mrs. Downe calls Billie's parents and tells them how nice it was for Billie to do the job. Mom and Dad beam over their child's initiative and wisely decide to praise. At dinner Mom says, “Billie, I spoke with Mrs. Downe today and Dad and I want you to know that we think that you are a terrific kid.” Praise delivered! Good parenting accomplished! Not quite.

Praise must be tied to the behavior in very explicit ways—in time and in context. In some instances the time link is difficult to accomplish as in the case when the parent only learns of some praiseworthy behavior much later. That calls for the parents to use their own verbal behavior to re-create the scene and then deliver contextually linked and behavior specific praise.

In the fictional case there is a much better way for Mom and Dad to handle the well-deserved praise. At a time when Billie, Mom and Dad are all present Mom should have gone to the window or door and called for Dad to join her making certain that Billie was within sight and earshot. At that point she should say, “Mrs. Downe called and told me that Billie, without asking, raked her leaves today. She said it was a really good job. Look, Dad, isn't that a really very good job of raking leaves and very neatly done. Billie you did a wonderful leaf raking job for Mrs. Downe. We're really very happy that you did it without anyone asking and did it so well. That's terrific.” Perhaps some readers will ask how that is any different from “...you are a terrific kid.” It's as big as the difference between “pie and Pi.”

In the first depiction of the event it is clear that Mom and Dad made the “...terrific kid” declaration because Billie did a good job. Their failure was in assuming that Billie understood the praise to be tied to the raking job. Maybe Billie made the link, but maybe not. And there is the problem.

Perhaps a few hours after raking Billie accidentally broke one of Mrs. Downe's garage windows. Maybe Billie picked a few of her fall flowers for another neighbor. Maybe Billie beaned Mrs. Downe's dog that was digging in Mom's vegetable garden. If Billie linked any of those not so nice behaviors to the praise then completely inappropriate behavior will be reinforced and Billie is much more likely to misbehave in the future. And, Mom and Dad have themselves to blame.

Just as sinister for the long-term it could be that Billie had done absolutely nothing wrong or right for the remainder of the day and Billie simply linked the praise to mere existence In that instance what behavior is more probable? Billie will come to believe that there is no need to do anything of value since mere existence is sufficient to be praiseworthy. It would be nice if it were not so—but it is. And sadly, well-intentioned poorly done good parenting is, in fact, bad parenting. Unconditional non-contingent praise is a mistake.

There is more to consider here but that must wait for another day. The issues of human worth, an individual's value, the sense of entitlement are all entwined with even the most ordinary daily aspects of parenting. There are just a few ways to get it right and lots of ways to get it wrong. Good parenting requires careful attention, purposeful action, consistent monitoring of parenting procedures and mid-course correction. Getting it right by intuition is less likely than winning the lottery.